The Birds and the Bees vs. Sex with Mom and Dad

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Aah, remember when talking to your children about sex was referred to with such innocence; such an emphasis on nature? You could draw analogies using the birth of your neighbors kittens, for example or the foal in the barn. Fast forward to Sex With Mom and Dad, an MTV series that profiles teens talking with their parents about their latest foray into the world of boundary-less sexuality. And, moreover, their parents revealing to them (yikes!) their own past indiscretions.

According to my 11-year old, there are some very specific guidelines parents should be following that will go a long way in making your child feel comfortable during "the talk". First, children prefer to be told alone, that is, not in front of other siblings. This is very embarrassing. Second, don't tell the other child that their sibling is getting "the talk" unless the one getting the talk asks you to. Again, this is embarrassing and could cause some teasing between siblings. Third, if you have a daughter, being told by mom is preferred; same for boys; if dad is available, have him do it. Last, don't make up silly names for body parts. Use anatomically correct terms to avoid confusion.

As for the MTV crowd, that is a whole new realm. The show I referred to earlier is frank and relevant and it is mediated by the famous celebrity rehab doctor, Dr. Drew. Talking to older children, even though they may have the basics down, is never a mistake. It's really important to consistently keep the channels of communication open so that your kids don't walk around believing myths or inconsistencies that could cause potential problems for them down the road.

Dream Big

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Little did I know that participating in a beauty pageant would teach me so much about my teenager. Recently, my daughter was encouraged to run for the local title of "Miss Hibiscus". If she took the crown, it would mean appearances at local fund raising events, festivals and pretty much anything that would embody the giving or familial spirit of our small town. She was reluctant at first, not at all the pageant type, but her chorus teacher was gracious enough to garner the support of The Indian River Charter High School and raise all the funding necessary to enter about five of the girls in her chorus group.

We shopped furiously for the perfect dress while simultaneously practicing what she would say in her question and answer session to a medium size audience in our local community center. Of course, the bulk of the questions addressed what she wanted to do with her life. It was at this point that I gained true insight into the mind of my sixteen year old. I suggested she talk about her love of animals and that her dream job was to rehabilitate them so they could be released back into their natural habitat. "I can't really do that", she said. When I asked her why she told me that the college in Maine that offered that very program was $29,000 a year so she had just forgotten about it.

I realized then that she was downsizing on her dreams based upon some very specific financial parameters she has set up for herself. "Never, ever underestimate the power of your dreams" I said. "Dream big". Dream big may sound like a cliche but in reality all action must be preceded by thought. Do not, I told my daughter, let fear or money or geography hold you back from fulfilling your dreams. You must ask yourself: "what would I do if I were not afraid?" Then we talked a lot about scholarships and student loans, etc. So it was at that moment that I learned which tapes she had been playing in her head and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to have had that discussion with my child. Take opportunities to really talk to your kids and, more, importantly, listen to their answers.

Raising Spiritual Children

Spiritual children are children that recognize the larger reality that surrounds us all. Whether your family calls this God, spirit, the universe or something else, it is that greater, more powerful something that exists within us but extends beyond us and connects us to all others. Teaching children the importance of sympathy is a vital step in raising spiritual children.

By definition, having sympathy for someone means: harmony of or agreement in feeling, as between persons or on the part of one person with respect to another. “Feeling sorry” for someone, then, does not constitute sympathy for another and telling your children that you feel “sorry” for others is probably not the best approach in nurturing your children's feelings of connectedness to the rest of the world. Rather, model compassion for your children through good works; volunteering, helping a neighbor in need, saving an animal from a shelter (or anywhere!), respecting senior citizens, and, perhaps most important of all, withholding judgment of others who appear different from us. I'm sure everyone has heard the overuse of the word "hobo" to describe homeless people. I've told my kids why the term is derogatory and that they should refrain from using it.

People make mistakes and people make bad choices. Often, these things land them in dire circumstances like homelessness and poverty. Conversely, these conditions may have simply befallen them. Additionally, no matter what the reason everyone deserves a second chance. Remind your children that no matter what, we are all connected and equal upon the earth regardless of appearances. This is the best way to develop their spiritual nature.

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Am I Fat?

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Body Image. A dreadfully slippery slope among our teens and tweens today. Whether they are boys or girls, slim or heavy, tall or short, sedentary or athletic all children wonder if they measure up to the increasingly impossible standard put forth by the avalanche of mixed messages they are inundated with on a moment-to-moment basis by every media source imaginable.

If one of my daughters is questioning her body image (or I notice that she's been eating really badly) I utilize the sane approach of coming from a place of health. I tell her that eating better will help to make her feel better. Too much sugar from candy, ice cream and processed food like mac 'n cheese will come back to bite her when her resulting insulin spike drops sharply making her hungry and irritable. Eating too much sugar and/or complex carbohydrates will only trick your body into thinking your hungry sooner that normal, too. Additionally, eating foods that make you gain weight will only contribute to poor health later in life; bad joints, clogged arteries and heart attacks. Filling your child's toolbox with the tools necessary to make good choices about food is far better than nagging them about their eating habits and (God forbid!) about their weight. Preserving their body image is of the utmost importance as so many children are at risk of going to extremes to control the way they look rather than manage how they feel. I would highly recommend the book "Body Drama" by Dr. Angela Diaz. It contains everything about women's and girls' bodies and how to deal with it. Fair Warning! There is full nudity in this book and the pictures are graphic. It is tasteful and relevant however and as of this writing there is a used copy on Half.com for 61% off!

Tips to jumpstart that summer reading!

Cover of Yuk! (Daisy Book)

School's out--who reads? What we know about reading now is that people who read more - well, read more. If this sounds like a circular argument it is. What we know about strong readers is that they tend to be the ones doing the most reading--for learning and for fun.

So what to do? Here's a tip: make sure your reader has interesting reading materials. This may sound obvious but it is important that the materials are interesting to him or her. Just because a surf magazine may look silly to you, if your child likes to flip through the pages and read picture captions--so be it! In fact, this is a skill measured on standardized tests under "reference and research" Just getting your reader interested in a topic is a baby step in the right direction. I cannot tell you how many young teen boys I have seen checking out non-fiction books about front end loaders--Yuk! If he likes it though, read on!

So, get started by finding out what you reader likes by asking. Maybe talk about what you like to get the conversation flowing. Then, when you see him or her reading, get involved by asking about the information. Try not to sound too preachy and act interested! Good luck!